Why positive parenting is not indulgence

Some people wrongly believe that positive parenting means letting go of the reins, when in fact it is the science of building neural connections.

A child does not need to be broken in order to learn; he needs to be guided in order to understand.

When a child is in a state of overwhelming anger, it is his ‘lower brain’ (responsible for emotion) that is running, while his ‘upper brain’ (responsible for logic) is offline. In that state, we advise reaching his feelings first, before correcting his behaviour.

When a child obeys out of fear of punishment, he is not learning the moral value — he is learning how not to get caught. Positive parenting focuses on Connection before Correction: connection, not fear.

For example, instead of “Be quiet, right now”, try: “I can see that you’re angry. Would you like a hug so we can calm down, and then talk?”

Traditional parenting taught us that a mistake is a sin, and so must be paid for in pain. But in positive parenting, a mistake is new data the child gathers in order to make sense of the world.

We are not raising perfect children; we are raising children who are able to put their mistakes right.

A constant stream of orders also weakens the child’s decision-making muscle.

For example, instead of: “Go and clean your room now”

try: “What’s your plan for tidying your room before bedtime?” (That question activates the frontal lobe, which is responsible for planning.)

A message to every parent and teacher:

Remember that your child is not giving you a hard time — he is having a hard time; and that you are not in a battle against him, you are the one leading him safely through this storm.

“The child who behaves the worst is the child who needs love and acceptance the most.” — Jane Nelsen

Dr. / Noha Saleh